Surprising New Food Positively Linked To Cancer

Basket of FruitBasket of Fruit

After the WHO (World Health Organization) released their report on bacon, a new source says they are preparing to release another cancer-causing food that will definitely surprise you. The food? Water. The WHO says they have confirmed that everyone who has cancer has drank water within a 3-week span prior to being diagnosed. One of the lead researchers on the team says that he triple-checked his results, and even fired an intern that he thought had caused an error in the calculations.

“We started this study in 2000, since the world didn’t end like we thought, we decided we needed to start protecting our species in the only way we knew how: researching easy to acquire¬†resources.” Said Dr. A.J. Swanson* as we started our interview with him. We had to conduct our interview at an undisclosed location to protect him from the masses of people he believes will be trying to find him soon. “We didn’t really expect to find anything when we started. We just needed something to research so we would keep getting paid. When we first noticed the correlation, we just dismissed it, because we assumed it was just coincidence. After a couple more years, we started taking it more seriously. It’s been tough, since we’ve been trying not to drink any more water than we need to. My research partner was actually hospitalized for a few weeks before he gave up and just decided he was going to accept the risks of drinking water.”

The implications of this study are huge. People will need to start looking for alternate sources of hydration. Early research shows that coconuts may actually filter enough water out to be safe to drink, though they taste disgusting. It also means that NASA will need to find a new, life-giving resource on any potentially habitable planets when searching the universe for our next home.

* Name changed for anonymity

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