Michael Edison is like a large number of people in America: he’s looking for a job. However, while some people are finding the job market much more open and friendly (except literally everyone in the oil industry), Michael is finding his skills are often scoffed at, and is frequently told they no longer want to interview him, once they see his resume.
Now, your first response is likely “What’s on his resume? I need to go update mine and make sure it’s not on there.” But don’t worry, you’re likely completely incompetent compared to Michael. Michael is an ex-cold-war spy.
“When I was in my prime, I could go from priest to weapons dealer faster than you could say ‘God bless you, my child of another father.’ and could navigate through a crowded consulate to — wait, is this being recorded?” Said Michael when we asked about his glory days. “Sadly, when people see ‘International spy’ on my resume, most of them assume that I’m some crackpot living with his parents who spends his days ‘LARP-ing’. What the heck is that anyways?”
After a heated discussion on the merits of Live-Action Role Playing, we continued our interview.
“I still think it’s stupid to pretend to be super hero instead of working and paying your bills. Bunch of lunatics… Anyways, I went to an interview at a few grocery stores and was promptly turned away because they ‘don’t hire anyone that could potentially stab someone with a sharpened carrot.’ which is insane. I would definitely use ginger root, since it’s much tougher. A few fast food places were interested in my skills, since their customers frequently need a good stabbing, but I decided that standing over a vat of frying oil just wasn’t for me.”
Michael is one of many veterans that simply can’t find work in this job market. While there was a period during the recession of 2007 that companies were vying to have someone with those skills again, so they could steal life-giving ideas from their competitors, our current market just doesn’t have the stomach for such tactics. Thankfully with the oil crisis in full swing, companies may soon need to spy on each other again, though the current environment of big companies being synonymous with “Bankruptcy” (thanks to a certain sporting goods store) has made many companies worry that they might accidentally steal something that leads to bankruptcy, that evil contractable disease that blights so many hard workers.
Today, Michael continues to search for work, and spends his incredible amounts of free time to bird watching, and spying on his neighbors. “You can’t teach an old dog new surveillance techniques” says Michael, after an extended period behind his binoculars. “I’ll tough it out, eventually someone will need a spy and I will step up to fill the position. I’m hoping it ends up in Nebraska. I love that place.”
At the time of publication, the job market has not improved much, and Michael still doesn’t live in Nebraska.