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Performance Enhancing Drugs For… Coaches?

Stadiums Rife With CoachesStadiums Rife With Coaches

As you’re no doubt finishing (or working on) all those thanksgiving turkey leftovers, you may be surprised that most football coaches aren’t. In fact, this is the reason that a small group of scientists is hard at work studying the correlation between football and turkey consumption. You may be wondering what those two things have in common, so fear not, we have the answer. Have you ever noticed how many terrible decisions coaches and players seem to make as you watch your favorite team get spanked on Thanksgiving day while you feast away on that delicious gobbler? It turns out, they aren’t actually making worse decisions, you’re getting better at coaching. Yes, you read that right, YOU are getting better at coaching and it turns out it is all because of the hormones in turkey. See, those coaches that aren’t able to eat turkey at the moment the game is happening are simply making ordinary decisions that are less educated due to the lack of turkey hormones.

A new study from a local football association in conjunction with Massachusetts University of Collegiate Sports has begun documenting the effect of turkey consumption on coaching technique. We talked to David Lambsfield*, a coach who had been part of the study, and his experiences were pretty interesting.

“I’m like a super coach. It’s awesome. I barely have to even look at the score or the field. Just a few short weeks agoI was sitting on my couch, wishing I was on that field instead of the worthless sack of coach who wasn’t getting us anywhere. After a couple botched plays, I gave up, and hit the internet to see if I could find a way to be a coach. I found the study after about an hour of searching, and was immediately on the phone with the university.” David was admittedly skeptical at first, but he was soon winning game after game for his team with expert calls and genius last-minute switches. currently his record stands at 17-3-1, which is one of the best in the league. David is confident that he will be picked up by one of the national teams before too long, and he even quit his job at a grocery store in order to practice coaching full time. “I have been watching old football games for the last several days, everything from ’85 forward. I can’t believe I’ve finally found something to do all day that I love. I’m gonna be making a killing once I become head coach. I mean, if that Marony* guy can do it, anyone can, right?”

We reached out to the group that is conducting the experiments to find out more about the actual tests performed and to get more information about what was actually discovered. We talked to the lead researcher, a Dr. Robert Carson*, to see what he thought about David’s* remarkable improvement.

“The study is far from over. There’s a lot to be learned about what can be accomplished with the use of turkey. We think we could create the next super-soldier, the next perfect politician, or even the next winner of American Idol! Making snap decisions that are so successful has a wide range of benefits.” When asked about David’s* results in particular, Dr. Carson* had to check his file. “Ah yes, Mr. Lambsfield*, he was one of our placebo users. We had him on a strict diet of pork. A shame about his passion for football really, he’ll probably never amount to anything.”

* Name changed for anonymity

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