In Oregon, USA, a group of armed “militia people” (we’re told their man-cards have been revoked) are holding up inside a local wildlife refuge. For the last few weeks, they have been insisting that they will not leave until the government does something, though we aren’t clear what that something is, since they are so disorganized. One of the people who identified himself as a leader of the group, though the only name he would give us is “Manbeast*, bringer of beer and death farts”, has said that they plan to live there indefinitely as they wait for “taxes”. Manbeast* also mentioned to us that they have been able to sustain themselves on wild brown ground berries and small cakes shaped like a particular male organ that were provided to them by some kind strangers from the “galactic interwebs”.
Park rangers have been keeping an eye on the local wildlife, to make sure they aren’t doing any irreparable damage to the environment, but say that the militia people only seem to venture into the woods when they need to pee, or pick up what looks like rabbit scat. Rangers are especially confused with the collection of rabbit scat, as there is little use for the tiny, berry-shaped objects.
On several different occasions, the militia people have come out of the refuge to spend time talking to media or to chant. Unfortunately, only one member of the group is literate, and therefore the only chant they know is “Git ‘er done! Git ‘er done! Git ‘er done!” which makes little sense, and serves no real purpose other than to whip the media into a frenzy of laughing and jokes.
We did manage to get a sit-down with one of the original militia people in order to try and determine what they want, though we recount it here with some reservations, as we’re still not entirely sure what was said.
Militia Person: MMkay, I got yer anser’s riiiiiight here, mr. radio man.
iTag Live: Uhhh… okay. I’m with an internet news outlet, but we’ll ju–
Militia Person: CALL ME BARTHOLOMEW*!.. *whispers* Git ‘er done!
iTag Live: –st… okay. Whatever you say, just don’t stab me with that rusty fork. So what exactly is it that you want the government to do for you, so we can get our refuge back?
BARTHOLOMEW*: Mmm-taxes. We wan, them thar taxes that they charge. They always make us pay’um, I think it’s high time they had to pay’um too!
iTag Live: Oh, well that’s a pretty bold move. How much are you hoping they will give you? Like… ALL the taxes, or just some of them?
BARTHOLOMEW*: One ‘r two. [BARTHOLOMEW visibly shrugs] How many cases o’ beer can you buy with two taxes? I think two is fair. I’s thinkin’ maybe we should ask for like 3 or 5 taxes, and then, when they’re like “We only gonna give you 2 taxes.” We can be like “well, woo-eee, that’s all we really wanted anyhoos!”
iTag Live: That’s.. uh… that’s great. How is everyone holding up in there? We’ve heard rumors of pink-eye, and the flu running rampant in there.
BARTHOLOMEW*: WHAT!? THERE ARE NO PINK EYES IN THIS COMPOUND!!! We have brown eyes, and blue eyes like real men. I did hear some snifflin’ in the back, but I don’t think any of us are sick, I think our noses are just getting used to being in Oregon. Did you know they have skunks the size of elephants here? I mean… That’s terrifying. The nice ranger lady told us to watch out for them. She also said that if we eat the brown, ground berries, it will scare them away, and eventually we’ll be able to fly. I can’t wait to fly… I’m gonna fly up to heaven and see my grandpappy, and get the five dollars he owes me.
iTag Live: Oooookaaaaayyy… Well, I think we’ve got to get going, I heard that the media is being asked to leave the area at sundown.
BARTHOLOMEW*: Shucks, that’s not true, I heard a couple of them reporters decided to stay the night here… Why don’t you come on inside there mang. Git you some coffee, and take those soft, wa– I mean, heavily awful boots off?
iTag Live: No, I think we’re going to leave now.
BARTHOLOMEW*: What if I told you there was cookies in that there cabin building?
iTag Live: Are there?
BARTHOLOMEW*: Rumor is there used to be…
iTag Live: Aaaannnndddd we’re out of here.
We did later learn that there are no female park rangers on staff at this particular refuge, so we’re not entirely sure who he was talking about when he mentioned the brown, ground berries. (We totally just realized what those are, and that’s disgusting.)
With negotiations going nowhere fast, the FBI has indicated that they will continue doing nothing, since there really isn’t much to do. The lead investigator was not available for comment, and we assume he is at the local IHOP or something, staying warm, and ignoring these strange forest men.
* All Names Changed For Anonymity