New Airline Restrictions Will Shock You

The Majestic Blue-bellied AirlinerThe Majestic Blue-bellied Airliner

If you’re like me, and like to stretch out whenever you have to sit for long periods of time, then flying is probably something you don’t do much of. However, as much as you likely hate flying now, it is only going to get worse. New airline restrictions will subject you to what basically equates to torture, and they don’t even seem to care.

Starting in 2016, airlines will begin rolling out the “passenger accommodation policy”, which is basically just airline speak for “ways we will make people miserable”. One of the more controversial tactics that they will use is called “babying”, which sounds like a good thing, but is actually a carefully crafted plan to drive you insane. The “babying” tactic involves using a complicated algorithm to determine which passengers will have small children with them, and then force them to sit in strategic places throughout the cabin that will ensure the widest range of annoyance for all other passengers. Think your child is a perfect angel and won’t be a part of their mad scheme? Think again. Airlines will also utilize a high-frequency discomfort-wave, that only children under 4-years-old can hear. This will ensure that all small children will be busting at the seems with tears and feces.

Another part of the airline restrictions that you are sure to dislike is the new seating arrangements. They are planning to take out the armrests altogether, in an attempt to squeeze more people in. By removing all of the armrests, they believe they will be able to add an additional seat per row. Next time you get a window seat, you better pray that the person who sits next to you doesn’t suffer from sweaty-thigh syndrome.

Perhaps you are a mildly skinny, deaf individual and the above things don’t seem like that big of deal. Well last but not least, they are planning on getting rid of those handy overhead bins, and asking passengers to hold their luggage in their laps. While this will at first blush be a welcome agony for some, who simply want to watch as that miscreant with the carry-on that is FAR too large has to squirm under its weight, it will no doubt begin to weigh on you as well (pun intended). And rather than leave the ceilings high, once those bins are removed they will be lowering the cabin height to a point where only a hobbit could stand upright. Using the restroom will be more and more like trying to find an escape route from a Peruvian mine shaft.

Why do all this, you ask? The airlines say that it is for your benefit, so they can keep costs low, but in reality, they will actually not change any part of their pricing structure. The pure and simple answer, is additional revenue. Making lower-class flights unbearable will undoubtably lead to more upgrading of seats, since these policies won’t actually affect customers flying in business class or better. In fact, I’ve heard that they are installing a baby-pacifying sub-woofer that will make all babies in upper classes fall asleep instantly.

All things considered, if you plan to fly, I suggest you do it fast, or prepare to fork over the additional $65 to upgrade to business class, as it will undoubtably save your life and sanity.

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