National Coffee Retailer Actually Tricked You

Coffee Cup on a Red BackgroundTricked You.

You may have recently heard the uproar as a national coffee retailer has chosen to drastically reduce the bling on their cups. What you might not have heard about is how much extra business they are getting after the outrage hit the internet. One man posted a video of himself telling the company that he “Tricked them” into putting “Merry Christmas” on their cups. However, it turns out that the jokes on you mr. I-trick-large-corporations-into-doing-what-I-want, as it seems that there may actually be MORE people getting coffee with the sole intent of participating in this crafty scheme of yours.

It’s rumored that this was the retailers plan all along. By removing something that would obviously throw people into a frenzy, they paved the way to a social craze that would boost their sales considerably. Anyone with even half a brain could see that taking something so intrinsically linked to Christmas off their cups would anger the general public, but it took a real evil genius to realize that they could actually profit from this endeavor.

While we have no inside information on this plan, we can imagine a board meeting, shortly after the cup scandal broke, going something like this:

Chairman: Who is responsible for this design change of our cups? We’re going to be burned at the stake for this thing.

Anonymous Board Member: That was actually Charlie* in finance’s idea. We thought it was crazy too.

Chairman: So why did you let him do it!? And why was the designer someone from FINANCE???

Anonymous Board Member: We got bored and stopped listening to him when he tried to explain it to us, so we brought him to the meeting today so he could explain it to you himself. Just a heads up though, it’s super boring.

Charlie*: Umm… It’s really not that boring. But here goes. If we take all that stuff off our cups that people love so much, then they will have to prove they are better than us by trying to force us to put them back. Obviously we won’t just change our entire design because a few people complain, so they’ll need to stage some kind of protest to convey their wishes. Since protesting in groups has pretty much been ruined by that church in Kansas, they’ll probably just doodle on their cups or ask their baristas to write “Merry Christmas” on them or something.

Chairman: Zzzzz… uh… [wipes drool off his face] So how does this help us? so they doodle, who cares? My 5-year-old doodles, and I’m not getting rich from that.

Charlie*: Because they will have to come in and actually order coffee to do the doodling. So they’ll increase sales.

Chairman: Why didn’t you start with that part!? I love it. Good Job. Here’s a small raise that basically equates to nothing.

 

And there you have it folks. The evil plot takes shape and then runs rampant in America. We’ve all been duped. Let us know what you think in the comments below.

* Name changed for anonymity

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