Ahmed Subedi* is a middle-aged man from small town Nebraska. He’s gets his newspaper in the morning, and spends the first hour of his day eating a breakfast prepared by his wife and reading that same newspaper. He likes his coffee black, and his dogs brown (not sure why). However, Ahmed* doesn’t have the same problems that most other people have, at least not one problem: watch lists. You see, Ahmed* has a shade of skin that is slightly darker, which, according to some people, makes him genetically predisposed to terrorism. Now you’re probably thinking “that’s absolutely not true” and you would be right, but unfortunately, a good majority of America is populated by idiots. (If there are any idiots reading this, just know we’re totally kidding). You see, Ahmed* is added to a new watch list all the time. For those of you who don’t know what a watch list is (it’s not a list of watches, because that would make no sense here) it’s a list of people that other people think should be watched (okay, so the list of watches wasn’t actually THAT far off). He actually checks on his watch list count every time he flies, to see how many he has gained since last time, like a fun game that can prevent you from getting jobs or forces people to probe you. After years of enduring this, Ahmed* decided he would give some of those watching people a taste of their own medicine. Ahmed* decided to create his own watch list, to watch all of the watchers, so that the watchers can be watched too. (watch watch watch)
A short selection of the people that have made Ahmed’s* watch list include the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the DEA, the KKK, and the PBJ (those delicious sandwich watchmen). He has registered his list of watches with the FAA and a large number of transit authorities in cities like Philadelphia, New York, and D.C., so that anyone who works for one of these agencies can no longer get on a plane, train, bus, or ship without potentially having a strange man strap on a white glove and ask to see him in a small adjoining room.
Your next question may be “why go to all this trouble?”, and that would be our question too, but as it turns out, it’s really all in the name. Ahmed* (though that’s not his real name) has a uniquely middle eastern sounding name. However, what he doesn’t have, is a uniquely middle eastern lineage (or really ANY middle eastern lineage). You see, Ahmed* was adopted by two Sudanese immigrants, who decided that they would rename name their son to something that suited their culture better. While this would normally be a beautiful gesture, this has led Ahmed* to this predicament that he is now in.
We were unable to get an interview with Ahmed* because the local authorities needed to question him about a potential bomb threat, but we hope to be able to talk to him soon, to see what his thoughts are on the matter. However we would love to hear your thoughts about the stereotypes we uphold and our painfully lacking standardized method of determining if someone is a real terrorist (since the name thing is obviously not working).
* Name changed for anonymity