‘Kitten Cannon’ Details Emerge From The U.S. Army

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Army Secrets – The Kitten Cannon

We don’t often hear about new military weapons, both because they need to stay secret to surprise our enemies, but also because so many people just wouldn’t care even if they did tell us. Because of this fact, the Army is generally fairly quiet about its developments, but they’re making an exception for this one. In a similar vein as a past experiment with ‘bat bombers‘ during world war II, the Army has built what they are heralding as the next generation of animal warfare. Best of all, they have nicknamed it “kitten cannon”, because… why not?

No one walks outside and sees a lonely little kitten and thinks, “I should kill that, it might be a weapon”. Not even ISIS is that heartless, though the Army has expressly stated that they won’t be using these in the Congo where that Kony guy is, since he might figure out what’s going on. Back to the kitten, most humans will take the kitten in and care for it until they can find a better place for it, which gives the kitten inside access immediately. We also know that animals have a psychic ability to determine whether a person is good or bad, even though we don’t know how they determine this, it makes for a useful ability to spot terrorists and nazis.

The Army has restricted most information about this new weapon, but we were able to put together some basic information for the kitten-curious readers. Each kitten is lovingly cloned from a feral cat that roamed a large base in Washington state, and is now housed in a military lab at an undisclosed location. The kittens are then injected with hormones that help them to stay kittens for up to 9 times longer than an average cat. Once the kittens are weened off the milk product that is also produced in the lab that they’re born in, they are subjected to stress tests that include a mouse toy they can never catch, and repeated contact with cucumbers.  From there, the kittens are taught several forms of martial arts and two forms of origami (not sure why).

Once the kittens are fully trained they can be loaded into artillery shells which can be launched up to 10 miles away by the “kitten cannon”. Worry not though, the shells are equipped with tiny ejection seats which launch the kittens shortly before impact and allow them to parachute to safety. Once the kittens make entry into the target location, they can roam around a bit to get the lay of the land, and then look for houses or bunkers that could house enemy combatants. The kitten will then infiltrate the building, establish contact with the occupants, determine level of evil-ness, and then (assuming they’re bad guys) destroy everyone inside before they can say “That cat has my tongue, and possibly my liver.”

The Army anticipates deploying this new weapon in the near future, possibly in Syria, though even we’re not sure who the good guys are there anymore. We thought about reaching out to PETA for a comment, but realized we’re pretty sure they hate the idea, so we don’t need to waste their time asking such a silly question.

Let us know what YOU think about the kitten cannon in the comments below!

185 Comments on "‘Kitten Cannon’ Details Emerge From The U.S. Army"

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