In an age where equality is king (or queen, please don’t sue us), new groups have sprung up to promote gender equality. When most people think of gender-related equality “gaps”, their minds drift immediately to salaries. It’s common knowledge that women are generally paid less, which is next to impossible to combat when salaries are deemed the secretest of secrets. However, one gender equality group known as “Libido Meritas: Non-profit Organization of Promoting eQualities” (or LMNOPQ for short) have come up with some new areas of equality that they intend to expose. We got in touch with their
Supreme Leader Dean of Education, Brittany-Lynn Savage*, to discuss the new ways they plan to “bridge the gap” in gender equality.
“As you may know, we recently broke away from the mainstream feminist movement, because we were deemed ‘too extreme’, so I would like to preface this interview with the fact that I absolutely cannot talk about anything related to that group.” Stated Brittany-Lynn*. “We are a group dedicated to promoting equality among all genders. However, in recent years, we’ve found that most traditional methods of introducing equality have all but failed. It was then that we decided to take a new approach to an old problem. We actually read an article that talked about areas where males are far more privileged, and decided to take on some of the suggestions there.”
LMNOPQ has become a front-runner in gender equality education across the globe. One of the ways that they have set themselves apart is by setting up “Equality Institutes” in major cities. They have also come up with new labels for humans that they think will alleviate all the tension surrounding gender roles and stereotypes: “breeders” and “non-breeders”. It’s a fairly straightforward concept in which a human that can reproduce is a “breeder” and a human that is incapable of reproducing is a “non-breeder”. This is just one small way they are seeking to “erase the lines”.
However, their classes can range from fairly normal, like Water Dancing to much more controversial. One such class is called “KB101: Murder Techniques For Women”, where the instructor actually teaches methods that women can employ to commit murder. The reasoning behind this class actually comes somewhat indirectly form the article that Brittany-Lynn* mentioned in her first statement. They theorized that while it is impossible to force employers to give a select group of people higher wages, they could instead tackle the unbalanced nature of crime.
“So many more murders are committed by men than women last year.” Stated Brittany-Lynn*. “We feel that if we can tip that scale back in the direction of women, maybe men will fear them enough to give them higher pay. It makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it too hard.”
We were actually allowed to sit in on one of their gender equality classes, though we could only send one of our female reporters to do the story (which seemed somewhat ‘unequal’). The following is a word-for-word excerpt from one of the classes that
“Lets talk about pay gaps. Asking your boss for a raise isn’t going to get you more money. Showing more cleavage isn’t going to get you more money. Silently murdering your brown-nosing coworker just might get you more money. ‘Jan’, you say, ‘how does killing some guy get me more money?’ I’m glad you asked, because it’s pretty simple and I think all of you should understand it. Think about this, each year that brown-nosing sack of garbage will kiss up to your boss and do more work, and put in more hours, and eventually after he destroys his relationship with his family, your boss will see fit to give him a raise. That raise should be yours, but that waste of flesh is going to take it from you. Now, imagine a world where you wait in the back seat of his car, and one night, after work, you strangle him to death and then dump his car and body in the lake down the road. Maybe after a few days if no one has asks about him you casually mention in conversation that you haven’t seen that little piece of filth in a while. People will talk, they might even start rumors that you killed him, but in the end your odds of getting that promotion will increase.”
A later course by the same professor that is listed as “KB204: Weapons of Choice” would go on to describe in detail the numerous weapons that can be used to commit the atrocities that were taught in that first class. One example was a Katana, which is described as a “sharp pointy thing that you can use to make holes in people” and a garden hoe, which is described as “especially good for ‘furrowing’ brows”. (We also have no idea what this even means.) One professor actually went so far as to say that their “goal is for muggers to fear women and watch for them so that they don’t get killed.”
Some people are fairly upset and have called for the groups Non-profit status removed, citing criminal idiocy and “hate crimes”. While we won’t go so far as to call them “rabid feminists“, we do think they could tone down the brutality a bit. With their gender equality classes having been in full swing for almost a year now, we have noticed that the number of female criminals is definitely on the rise, so at least for the time being, it appears that their plan is working.
* All Name Have Been Changed For Anonymity