File Early, File Often: How to Beat Taxes

The money you could be getting if you file your taxes rightPhoto By unsplash-logoPepi Stojanovski

A New Tax Strategy

With all the changes to the tax code recently, it is getting harder and harder to figure out how to do your taxes. Some people have just given up and moved to Michigan (Detroit or Flint mostly) since the government never goes there. We decided to take a look into ways to make taxes easier this year, so that people will stop faking their deaths. After talking to some experts and weeding out all the legal jargon they used like “Depreciable asset” or “Earned Income” we think we may have found a new strategy to get the most money back possible from the government.¬†File Early, File Often.

We call our new strategy FEFO, which stands for File Early, File Often. Basically it all comes down to how understaffed the IRS is. Everyone hates the IRS, because they took our tea or like made rules or something, the reason isn’t important. Anyways, we’ve won some real battles against the IRS and cut most of their funding, which is great, because it means that our refunds come back more slowly. You might be thinking “wait, don’t we want our refunds to come back faster?” and the answer is a resounding “probably not”. At first, we thought that an underfunded IRS was a bad idea, but then we realized that they do all their work on computers that still remember the first time Europeans landed on America. With computers like that, we imagine they aren’t so good at remembering which people have already filed for a refund or received one. So we came up with “File Early, File Often” (FEFO), a new way to get more money from the government. The general idea is that you should file your taxes as early as you can, and then keep filing them as many times as you can before doomsday (April 17th). Now there is a caveat with this system, you really only want to do it if you are expecting a return, otherwise you just compound your due taxes. If you’re in a pinch, just go donate a bunch of money to charity and say you did it last year (I mean, you would have, you just forgot, right?) so you can claim it as a “deduction” which just sounds like what the kids call Vasectomies these days.

We reached out to some tax experts to see if they had also come up with a similar plan for their clients and most of them were speechless, because we assume they realized how genius it is. One guy even called the police to let them know how brilliant we are, I’m guessing they need their taxes done too and want a hook-up. We’re posting all the information below that you need to file your taxes repeatedly, so go ahead and get started on that now, since Doomsday is coming up fast this year.

 

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Update

Well, it turns out that what we were doing was super illegal, though just to be fair, the people faking their own death or moving to Michigan were just as wrong as we were, that’s called “Tax Evasion”. What we were doing was just regular fraud which is way less bad. So I guess the moral of the story is, if you come up with a really good way to game the system, probably check with a lawyer first, and don’t write an article about it on the internet. They say if my trial goes well, I might even get to sleep in a room with cushy padded walls, what fun!

 

#FakeNewsForever

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File Early, File Often: How to Beat Taxes
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File Early, File Often: How to Beat Taxes
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With all the changes to the tax code recently, it is getting harder and harder to figure out how to do your taxes. We decided to take a look into ways to make taxes easier this year, so that people will stop faking their deaths. We came up with File Early, File Often.
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