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Family Values On Trial

Family VanFamily Van

A Californian man is suing a pedestrian that he hit with his car, and he claims it is to uphold ‘family values’. Doug Ranslica* was driving home from work on a sunny mid-Tuesday afternoon when a pedestrian stepped out in front of his car and was struck. The accident caused significant damage to Doug’s* car, which his insurance told him was totalled. The pedestrian has asked to remain anonymous, and is currently in a local hospital with 3 broken ribs, a shattered ulna and a cracked femur, along with several other minor injuries.

Doug* is currently in the process of filing a counter-lawsuit against this pedestrian (who is filing against Doug* for “assault with a deadly weapon” and¬†“gross negligence”) for attempting to interfere with his family relationship. Doug* says that at the time of the incident, he was attempting to have a conversation with his wife via text message about their current dinner plans. Doug* claims that the pedestrian’s actions were a¬†deliberate attempt to prevent him from communicating with his wife. We reached out to Doug* to get his take on the lawsuit.

“First, it’s not a text message, it’s a snapchat, you take a picture and add some text and boom, communication. I don’t know who this guy thinks he is, like he owns the road or something. I stopped looking for just a couple of seconds and this guy takes advantage of me not paying attention and steps out into my way. I’m pretty sure this whole thing is an insurance scam anyways, I see it on youtube all the time, especially in Russia.” Says Doug*. We asked him about the contents of his conversation he simply told us that he “wasn’t comfortable sharing that with the press” and that it would “infringe on his 2nd amendment rights.” (We didn’t correct him, though we’re pretty sure that’s the one about having guns…) When asked about whether he felt comfortable with his case, he merely shrugged.

“I’m not worried. I know enough about my rights as a U.S. citizen that I can defend myself against his bogus lawsuit. Plus there’s a judge that has already said lawyers are pretty much useless now, so I don’t even need to worry about that cost. I mean, let’s face it, digital communication is how we are now, it’s like, normal. You can’t get mad at someone for trying to have a conversation that way.”

In an effort to hear both sides of the story, we talked with the local police department to get more details on the situation. We learned that at the time of the incident, the pedestrian had just received a walk signal and was attempting to cross the crosswalk to the other side. We’re not saying it wasn’t his fault, but it does seem like he knew what he was doing.


We recently learned that Doug’s* wife Susan* is now also suing the city for placing a crosswalk in a location that is best suited to digital communication. She claims “putting a light and crosswalk in the middle of a straight section of road is asking for trouble.” Modern drivers like to use straight sections of road to type on their phone because it’s “safer”. We believe this lawsuit may just be an attempt to raise money to bail out Doug* who immediately lost his own court case because he didn’t have any idea how to defend himself in court, and he’s a filthy hipster.

* Name changed for anonymity

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