Joseph Hewitt* was minding his own business as he made his way through his favorite ‘human park’ as the hipsters are calling the parks that children play at. It was late in the afternoon, and the sun was starting to set, and all was peaceful. He could hear the children playing in the background as he strolled past a small wooded thicket, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a dog leapt out of the brush and stabbed him in the stomach a total of 3 times. It appears that it was a golden retriever, as it proceeded to lick his face for several minutes following the attack. Joseph* was left lying there for almost an hour before someone noticed him by the side of the trail and called an ambulance.
This is the latest in a string of dog stabbings and robberies, which include one dog home-invasion where a pack of Chihuahuas held a small family hostage while they ransacked their home. The Chief of Police is not sure what to make of the situation and has recommended that people keep their dogs in their crates until it can be determined what it is that they want.
One local homeowner has taken steps of his own to ensure the safety of his family. His name is Jeff Daniels* and he installed a laser fence around his yard, as well as speakers that continuously play the sound of a dog whistle in his house. “I want to be sure that if a knife-wielding maniac dog gets into my home, he experiences the worst possible sensations possible. We also bath our two children in cat urine on a daily basis, though we’re not entirely sure if that will have the desired effect or not. I think the only answer on the governments part should be to lock all pets on an island until we can determine which ones are hostile. Maybe just use the zoo, shuffle some animals around, they have plenty of space. I’m pretty sure the giraffe just died anyways, stick ’em all in there!”
The humane society has been asked to cooperate with the police to identify potentially dangerous dogs as well as help keep the officers safe, since apparently animals just love humane society workers. Must be all the poo they shovel…
Some people are calling for criminal charges against the dogs, and postulate that ever since dogs gained the rights of humans, they have been in a downward moral spiral, just like us.
What do you think of this dog-crime hysteria? Let us know in the comments below.
* Name changed for anonymity