Josh McGroban* (no relation to the singer) used to be a regular man. Now he’s a celebrity because of his radical new method of losing weight. However the league of doctors is wildly upset by it, and caution people against it, saying it’s “too dangerous” and “unhealthy”. But let’s be honest, isn’t every new weight fad dangerous until we understand it? We discussed this new strategy with Josh* at his home in Seattle.
“It all started when my wife was complaining that I needed to lose a few pounds.” says Josh*. “I just looked at her, and told her she needed to lose a few pounds first, and we argued and I figured that was the end of it. It turns out, I really hurt her feelings though, because within a week, through a rigorous exercise program, she had lost 10 pounds! I was furious. I couldn’t be beat by my wife at anything, so I set out to find the fastest way to lose more weight than her. I was looking at everything from starvation to tapeworms to some weird herbal remedy called ‘cocaine’. They all seemed like pretty big risks (or way too expensive) for not a lot of weight loss. Finally, I stumbled on a new idea, buried deep in a reddit post about surgeries. The user was telling about how he got some disease called ‘gout’ that forced the doctors to cut his leg off. It was then that I knew what I had to do.”
After searching craigslist and reddit, and a few sites that we won’t mention here because we’re not sure they’re legal, he finally found an individual with ‘gout’ that was willing to give him a blood transfusion in his leg. They had to travel to Guatemala in order to find a doctor who would perform the transfusion, but within a week, Josh* had successfully contracted ‘gout’. “At first it wasn’t that bad, I knew I only needed to last long enough to get rid of the leg, but after a few weeks and my wife CONSTANTLY complaining about how I was gonna die, and how it was ‘cheating’, it was pretty awful. Finally the day came that I couldn’t move my leg anymore, so I hobbled on down to the hospital and within 2 short hours, I was one leg and 35 lbs. lighter!” Josh tells us. When asked what he would do differently if he did it again, he had this to say: “Liposuction. Probably look at liposuction first. It’s WAY more expensive, but you can’t get those weeks of searching for a blood donor back. Surprisingly, those people keep their ‘gout’ pretty well a secret. Greedy bunch of losers…”
What do you think about Josh’s* method of weight loss? Have you or a loved one tried something similar? Leave us a comment to tell us about it below.
Unless you are bleeding profusely, then please call 911 first.
* Name changed for anonymity