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Correlation Between Scarves and Strangling Deaths Found

Man Wearing ScarfMan Wearing Scarf

As we move into the winter season, we see more and more people trying to stay warm, and one popular way to do so is with scarves, a bushy piece of fabric that often comes in dark or festive colors. However, in recent months, we’ve been seeing more and more deaths related to the use of these articles of clothing.

Scarves seem like a harmless piece of winter-wear, but it turns out that some people are incapable of using them appropriately. Dan Hammond* a resident of Rhode Island admitted to us that he struggles with scarves for a couple reasons. “I’ve always been really bad with knots, to a point where I try to avoid them for my own safety. Scarves seemed like a safe way to stay warm until I realized the complexity of keeping them fixed around my neck. I started by just draping it over the back of my neck, almost more as a fashion statement, but quickly realized that it did little to keep me warm. After a couple attempts at an over-under pattern I felt like I was getting close to a solution. However after a few more minutes of movement, I realized I couldn’t breathe. I tried to stay calm, but after a few minutes of struggling, I passed out on the sidewalk. Luckily for me, a stranger saw the whole thing, and was able to extract and resuscitate me. I realized later he had also stolen my wallet.”

But that wasn’t the end of Dan’s* troubles. “I refused to give up on the idea of keeping my neck warm. So after a few weeks I was back at it, trying to get scarves ‘right’. I managed to come up with a knot that doesn’t tighten so quickly, so I could wear it for several hours without passing out. I thought I was finally on the right track, but then I went to visit family.” Dan’s* visit to his family in Buffalo was long overdue, but he wasn’t prepared for the struggles he would find there. “My family really happy to see me. Everyone was also really impressed with my scarf-technique. Unfortunately, I found out right away that I had a new problem. My knots were so complicated and hard to undo that I would frequently miss out on important family activities, like dinner or pictures, because I needed to spend so much time untying myself and my scarves.” Dan’s* family said they “just wanted to spend time with Dan*” but “scarves always seemed to get in the way.” After a few days of indecision, Dan* decided it was best to leave, so he headed back to Rhode Island.

In the months following Dan’s* scarf-tastrophy, Dan* says he is feeling better about being alone forever. “I figured out I could wear multiple scarves, and just give them all names. Then it was like having friends with me at all times that always agreed with me and never talked behind my back.”

As of the time of writing this article, Dan* hasn’t been seen in about 3 weeks, and we were unable to locate him for an update.

* Name changed for anonymity

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