With November 2016 quickly approaching, we decided it was time to start looking into presidential candidates. One candidate stood out to us, and we were shocked by the stances that he had chosen. In an effort to remain a neutral party, we have chosen not to disclose the name of this particular candidate, but we wanted to shed some light on his policy choices, and allow you to come to your own conclusions.
This candidate has strong views on religion — though maybe too strong. While not terribly outspoken about most religious topics, he has come to a conclusion about one particular religion, and that conclusion is that he doesn’t like people participating in it. While this seems like more of a personal preference, he has come up with a solution that he thinks everyone can live with: Member Cataloging. To him, it makes sense that if a religion is bad, we should catalogue all followers so we can keep track of them, and spy on any of them that might try to damage our national power. This candidate suggests it’s not religious intolerance, but instead, self-preservation.
The Evil Ethnicity
This candidate also has a widely-known aversion to a specific minority. No one is really sure where this distaste began, likely a childhood trauma of some sort, but nevertheless, it’s clear that this he doesn’t want anything to do with this particular ethnicity. Though it is odd how much of this ethnicity is around him in the place he lives and works.
This candidate has a strong distaste for women. No one is entirely sure why, but again, we assume it stems from a childhood trauma or something. Whatever the case may be, this candidate does not enjoy being around women. Generally, when he comes in contact with women, whether in public or in private, it ends with mean names, or angry comments.
No, this candidate isn’t a free mason (that we know of), but he does seem to really like the idea of building walls. His decision to build a wall that will keep out his enemies has shocked many, and is widely criticized. Few normal people would be willing to take on such a daunting task, but this candidate didn’t even bat an eye.
This candidate has a serious issue with hair. If one of your friends made a half-hearted attempt to style themselves after this candidate, they would be immediately recognized, regardless of how good a job they did. We’re not sure if it’s purposefully cut that way, or if he just lacks the ability to grow more than that, but whatever the case may be, it’s awful.
This may be one of the few things that is good about this candidate is that he is readily quotable. Literally, the things he says rival “The Princess Bride” in terms of how memorable they generally are. Here is a short list of some things this candidate has said in the past.
- “The more economic difficulties increase, the more immigration will be seen as a burden.”
- “Do not compare yourself to others. If you do so, you are insulting yourself.”
- “Humanitarianism is the expression of stupidity and cowardice.”
- “If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”
Let us know what you think about this candidate in the comments below.
After long discussions with our editor, we decided that it was neither right, nor safe, to leave this candidate anonymous. Not only would electing this person as president be damaging to our nation, it could potentially make life unsafe for hundreds of thousands of people. With that being said, iTag LIVE’s staff wants you to know that we do NOT support Adolf Hitler for president of The United States in the 2016 elections.