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Boy Chosen Last In Kickball Sues

A Kansas Kickball PitchA Kansas Kickball Pitch

In small town Kansas, there isn’t much to do: a fact of life for hundreds of americans that populate this desolate portion of the nation. Most children occupy themselves with video games or playing games in the streets (much to the chagrin of drivers). Because of this need for entertainment and the limited amount of it, game-playing is taken extremely seriously. This is why one boy has decided to sue his friends, after being chosen last in kickball. His lawyer (a 28-year-old pre-law student who lives a block over) has cited “emotional distress” and claims that his client has received irreparable damage to his reputation.

Marty* has never been a particularly athletic kid so this 200-pound 12-year-old has relied heavily on being able to knock down smaller children so as to keep a competitive advantage. However, late one Tuesday afternoon, he found himself in a game of kickball with mostly athletic kids who are not so easily manipulated. Seeing that Marty’s* “skillz” were of less value in this game, the team captains quickly selected other players to fill out their rosters – leaving Marty* dead last. It also didn’t help when both captains said they didn’t really need another player, but that’s besides the point. Marty* was outraged. He suffered through the game, sweating and panting as he tried to keep up with the other children, but by the time his parents called him in for dinner he could have sworn he had lost 10 pounds! It was at this point that he contacted his lawyer, and began preparing the paperwork for a lawsuit. He has also prepared a separate suit against his friend Miguel*, the smaller boy that normally handles the “getting-picked-last” thing, for missing the game. When we asked, Miguel* is currently claiming that he had been grounded for not doing his homework, and we can only assume he will be taking a compulsion defense.

We also managed to get a few minutes to talk to Marty* to see what his thoughts on the whole thing were, and to see if we could figure out why he would be willing to sue his friends, in an environment where they are so difficult to replace.

“Whatever man, I’ll get new friends. There’s at least two or three other kids on the other block of town. My mom always wanted me to have a fair shot at life, and said it’s not my fault that I weigh this much, and people should treat me fairly. Did you want to try one of these mini burgers? they’re like a tasty snack in burger form. Anyways, I’m just gonna sue them all, get a bunch of dollars and then buy a couple new friends. Oh! and a boat! I’ve always wanted a boat. Everyone around here seems to have one, so I figure they must be a lot of fun. Can they drive on sand? Where do you use a boat in Kansas? Anyways… yeah… I’m gonna win for sure. Miguel* is just being a little poser, pretending he had “homework”. Doesn’t he know I’d just beat up the teacher if she tried to write him up for not doing it?”

As a note, we would like to mention he was eating regular-sized double cheeseburgers during this interview.

What do you think about Marty’s* case? Let us know in the comments below.

* Name changed for anonymity

27 Comments on "Boy Chosen Last In Kickball Sues"

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