As any good American will tell you, Thanksgiving is really about Black Friday. Maybe when the pilgrims where settling down and sharing corn and stuff it was about the food, but not anymore. No other time of year lets you sit outside in freezing cold rain for 6 hours, just so you can run like a maniac through a big department store to snatch a TV out of that elderly couple’s hands. It really gets the blood pumping. But before you throw on your parka and start practicing those right hooks, here are a few strategies that can give you an edge on the big day.
This should be the first advice anyone gets when shopping on Black Friday. Family time was important in ‘ye olden days’, but now you should just skip Thanksgiving dinner and head right to your nearest department store. Trust me, when you’re holding that brand new set of pumpkin-colored, adjustable cooking tongs that you’ve always wanted, it will all be worth it.
Obviously we don’t want you to get ACTUALLY sick, since that would make shopping miserable. However, if you were to FAKE being sick, it could give you a competitive edge. One one hand, other shoppers won’t expect the burst of speed that you’ll be utilizing as those doors open. On the other hand, people won’t want to get as close to you, so if you’re there early enough (see point #1) then you also can get a little head start. Remember, Black Friday is all about running and trickery.
Know What You Want
Obviously you want everything that’s on sale. However, you might find that there are a few things that are more important than others (if not, you may want to re-evaluate your life choices). It’s generally a good idea to figure out where in the store those items are, and make a game plan to get there first, rather than try to get everything (which doesn’t usually seem to work). Most stores will publish a Black Friday flyer the day before or the day of, I recommend stealing one of these from a neighboring shopper when they’re not looking.
No Matter where in line you end up, it’s important to give yourself an air of insanity. This isn’t because you’re trying to trick neighboring shoppers into going for something you’re not, but instead to keep those neighboring shoppers out of your way. I recommend whispering something that is just barely audible, preferably with mildly violent words sprinkled in that you can say louder from time to time. If you’re not very creative, Shakespeare does a good job, if you just want to quote his stuff. I guarantee that no one is going to pick a fight with the crazy violent person over something as trivial as a new bike.
Bring a Crying Child
Remember how annoying that crying baby was on your flight to Albuquerque? You can leverage this same technique against neighboring shoppers too. Except unlike a plane, where your only goal as a parent is to harass every other person in that nice confined space (so they can know how you feel EVERY DAY), you can convince other shoppers that this really isn’t the line they were looking for. When enough people leave, it makes it a lot easier to fit through those electric doorways, though it also makes it easier for employees to catch you running in the store.
Opt For More Mexican Food
In case you needed another reason to eat Mexican food, here you go. Most of the delicious food that was invented in New Mexico (That’s where Mexican food is from, right?) is made up of ingredients that will go straight to those ‘lower’ parts of your body. This will create a kind of ‘scent forcefield’ which most average shoppers won’t be able to penetrate. If you really don’t like Mexican food, or you just want to get a little more forcefield, try not bathing for the week previous to Black Friday. This should be easy since your relatives are in town and there are hardly any bathrooms available anyways.
There you have it, folks. If the above list doesn’t help you get what you want this Black Friday then I don’t know what will. Let us know in the comments if you can think of any other valuable tips for this list. (also check our Facebook page or send us a tweet @itaglive with the hashtag #BlackFridayReady).