Intrigue At The Olympics
With the winter olympics now at a close, the world can now get back to pretending that figure skating isn’t a thing. However, for one man in rural Missouri, the end of the 2018 winter olympics was just the beginning. Hubert Fitzgerald* normally leads a quiet unassuming life, but that changed on January 1st, when he decided to spice things up this year. His first order of business was to purchase tickets to something exciting, so he decided to go to the winter olympics (because he couldn’t afford to go to summer olympics). He enjoyed most of the sports he watched, though he says he still can’t figure out how Curling works. As the closing ceremonies hit their peak though, something else hit Hubert*. He says that while he watched the main K-Pop artist performing, he also saw her turn on her “demon powers”.
It was the middle of her set, when she smiled coyly and then lifted her hands towards the sky. It was this moment that Hubert* says she called on “demonic powers” to enter her body and give her power over all men in the stadium. He immediately felt attracted to her he says, and the only possible explanation is that a demon gave her this magical ability. Obviously, we at iTag Live were very skeptical, and asked Hubert* for some more evidence to help us understand why he believes she was possessed at this time. Hubert* was quick to point to past performances by other top celebrities, because he says that this K-Pop star is neither the first nor most prominent person to call on “demon powers” to give them sway over their audiences.
To set the stage, it was early February 2013, and the Super Bowl was the biggest event of the year (so far) between the two teams that most americans are indifferent about. The halftime show was a famous singer from the united states who, believe it or not, ALSO lifted her hands towards the sky. Obviously, this woman was also channeling “demon powers”. We found this article, which definitely backs up Hubert’s* claims. Reportedly, several men in the audience also felt attracted to the singer after her arm raises, which seems pretty solid to us.
Another example that Hubert* gave was a young Canadian/American singer that just recently overcame puberty. By the way, thanks Canada, we’ll be sure to send you our “best and brightest” soon too. Anyways, this young man got into some legal trouble, by being too polite or road rage or something (the crimes all kind of blend together in America). At some point during his time in court, he silently invoked the “demon powers”, presumably to sway the judge to free him. It turns out he must have invoked the wrong powers, because he didn’t get off the hook for his charges and seemed to summon a huge mass of young girls. You can see the video of his eyes changing here.
Hubert Fitzgerald* continues to spread the word about the demon powers used by celebrities to control their audiences. It’s obvious that the above evidence should give us all pause about how much influence these “demon powers” have on us. Whether it’s young women raising their arms, pop stars using satanic alter-egos or young men LOOKING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, don’t let them trick you into worshipping Satan.
This article is satire. Obviously, none of the above mentioned incidents are actual demonic possessions. We live in a day and age where even the dimmest light bulb can reach millions of people on the internet (thanks internet!) However, if some poor soul does eventually decide to write a hair-brained article about how the K-Pop star CL Talk was channelling Satan in her performance, feel free to post a link to this article, so they know they’re too late to the game.
Peace Out and #FakeNewsForever
* Names change for anonymity