Squirrels: cute, fluffy, nut-stashing critters that everyone loves. (Except maybe that guy who tried to take a selfie with one, but that’s on him.) But what you didn’t know, is that squirrels are immortal. Yes, you read that right, immortal. Those adorable little guys who just want to high-five your car will just keep on living. Forever. In fact, when people first started making cars, it wasn’t actually to transport people to other places more quickly, it was actually a group effort to help reduce the squirrel population. Now you might be thinking “hey, I don’t want to believe that my beautiful Mercedes is really a high-priced, squirrel-killing machine.” And well, that’s too bad. You can never unread this. Another interesting little detail is that originally, cars specifically designed for killing squirrels were painted red, which made it easier for police to see “Nut-Busters” (as they were known) and be able to stop them to check for a permit. To this day, red cars get pulled over more because of that long-held tradition. Most police officers won’t even know what you’re talking about if you tried to ask them now. You’ll just have to trust us.
We interviewed a mechanical engineer who works for a major car company, to see if mechanical engineers are still taught to design front bumpers with the lethal curves needed to destroy their squirrel enemies.
“Yeah, they still stress the importance of lethal curves. At first I was really uncomfortable with the idea of harming such a beautiful creature, but when I learned that they’re immortal, I immediately changed my stance. We need to destroy those monstrosities.” says Alfred Hurley*, the first of the engineers that we interviewed.
Next, we wanted to see if the sales team had any idea that squirrel hunting was taking place in the modern day. We reached out to one of the junior sales leads to see what he could tell us. “What? Are you kidding me? Our cars are designed to kill squirrels!? No, I didn’t know! I’m a card carrying member of PETA! This is awful. I need to go talk to my boss.” said Richard Louis*, who left very abruptly without saying goodbye. We later found out that Richard* has quit his job with the company and is now living in the forest, attempting to start his own squirrel orphanage.
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* Name changed for anonymity