We’ve all heard about flat earth theory. (If you haven’t you should probably go read a book or something.) It’s the idea that the planet is actually “flat” (spoilers). But none of us have really paid it much mind, because as we all know, Columbus kind of blew that theory out of the water the day he sailed to the west, and TOTALLY got to the east.. Right? Wrong. In a recent slip-up by a global space agency, we have finally learned the truth: The world is flat and school is pointless. Granted, we’ve all known that second one was true, but now we have concrete evidence that supports the world being flat. It all happened on a cold January day, also known as “last Wednesday”. During their earth-shattering presentation about how alien life has been discovered on a distance planet, one of the space analysts actually said everything needed to prove the theory. Here’s the direct quote:
“Our last mission was as successful as any ever has been. After our initial contact with the alien species, they appear to be friendly, and willing to discuss our technological advances. Our slingshot launch using the earths gravity was tremendously effective, much to the chagrin of some of our critics. I mean, everyone knows the earth is flat, right? [audible laughter]”
There you go. Finally proof. The world is flat, and that scientist just confirmed it. We can only assume the rest of the people in the room start laughing as a show that they are also a part of the conspiracy. Well, the jokes on them, because this was being TELEVISED ON LIVE TELEVISION!
Another interview, this time with one of the aliens, we get the following quote that confirms the earlier quote:
“Hello humans, thank you for taking the time to build cities and structures on this puny planet. We will take it from here. At first we were shocked to learn you were more than just simple animals, with what pathetic attempts you’ve made into space travel. Your earth might as well be flat for all the –”
That’s really the only important part of that quote… But you see it there at the end again, “Earth might as well be flat”, straight from the lips of a space traveller who has seen the earth from “space”. Granted, that alien may not be entirely trustworthy, since he is a minority, but let’s not dwell on that fact just now. We’ve now heard the fact that the earth is flat from two separate sources. It’s only a matter of time before we hear it officially, since they have to figure out it’s out before too long. We can’t be the only ones who heard it, right..?
A man who was recently abducted by our alien overlords just gave a press interview detailing his experience. I think you’ll find it interesting how he described our beautiful flat Earth…
“There I was, getting sucked up into the alien spacecraft. At first I fought it, but soon I couldn’t feel my limbs, so I just gave in and let them suck me into the little pod thing. Immediately upon entering everything was completely dark, then suddenly there was a loud ‘wooshing’ noise, and I could feel gravity lessening. Suddenly, a window popped open, which I think was to let them check that I was still in there, and I could see Earth below, nothing more than the size of a nickel. That’s when the probing started…”
A nickel! And what are nickels!? FLAT. That’s right, nickels are flat. Flat Earth proven. Eat your heart out unbelievers.