Five Facts You May Not Know About Your Mail Person

Mail Person ReceptaclesMail Person Receptacles

Day in and day out we receive our mail, magazines, and those sweet car deals with the fake key without ever giving a second thought to where they came from. Sure they came from your friends, companies that write about topics you like, and car dealers that have no idea how advertising works, but what we’re talking about is the middle men between you and all those people. The answer: your mail person¬†(because we’re politically correct and stuff). These magical creatures are the only reason you can still read about guns made from vegetables and cars you can never afford; but there are some things you may not know about them.

1. Human

As shocking as it sounds, they are all (mostly) human. This means they need to eat and sleep and do other things that people do while also delivering your mail. I’m not sure how they work all those other things into their schedule, since there is so much mail that needs to be taken places, but somehow they manage to still grab a meal from time to time between deliveries.

2. Fear of dogs

The old stereotype of mailmen being chased around by dogs is pretty much spot on. The second a mail person lays eyes on one of our canine-counterparts they are immediately terrified. Some mail people have even admitted to temporary incontinence at the very mention of a dog. This is now being increasingly accentuated because of their need to deliver to dogs, after a landmark court case that gave dogs the same rights as humans.

3. Never get lost

Despite their job taking them all over the city/country, each magical mail person is incapable of becoming lost. The second they begin to lose track of where they are, they immediately feel a special compass gland in their brain kick in. This gland is similar to what homing pigeons use when attempting to deliver messages (side note: mail people and pigeons may be indirectly related).

4. Strict marital code

While many groups in the world have strict rules and regulations about when and where relationships can take place, the mail person society is one of the strictest of them all. A mail person can only marry another mail person. If they try to marry a non-mail person, they must do it in complete secrecy and run the risk of never receiving mail again, as they will be excommunicated.

5. Closed sub-language

While it may sound like your mail person is speaking in english, most of the time they are using an incredibly complex dialect that sounds similar to english, but with completely different meanings. This explains all those dirty looks they give all the time, when you say completely innocent things, like “Do you want a sandwich?” or “Sorry, I just farted.” One of the few things that we have managed to decode is the phrase “I’m gonna go postal”, as we have determined that it actually seems to mean that they are in a hurry and are trying to find someone to take their place on a future run. So next time you ask your mail person about their dead brother for the sixth time and they try to pull that “going postal” excuse, make sure you let them know that you’re wise to their act and demand to know how their brother is doing.

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