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First Successful Teleportation – Sort Of

A few teleportation test subjects waiting to be vaporized.A few teleportation test subjects waiting to be vaporized.

January 12th, 9pm, in a lab in eastern Hamburg, scientists have been quietly researching a technology that many grew up wishing for: teleportation. On Tuesday night, the first successful test was performed to move an apple from one room to another. Obviously, human test subjects are forbidden, so this fruit experiment is what the scientists had been waiting almost 2 years for. Previous tests had left the apple nothing but a pile of mush on the podium in the second room, as the sequencing of the molecules was never quite right. We talked with Dr. Ralphio Carson*, one of the lead researchers, to get his take on the success of their test.

“It’s amazing! I can’t believe we finally did it! I’ve been working 80-hour weeks, and only bathing once or twice a month for a long time now – my wife wears a hazmat suit to bed! Anyways, this test has changed our study immensely. No longer are we worried about putting molecules back together correctly, now we have to figure out where the bite came from!”

Dr. Ralphio* is referring to a strange bite that was taken out of the apple between the two transit points. Normally, the test only takes about 5 seconds to make sauce out of the apple, but on the successful attempt, it took just short of 5 minutes. “At first we thought we just vaporized the thing, and were considering keeping the product in that stage temporarily to see if the military had any interest in it.” says Dr. Ralphio*. However after those few agonizing minutes, the apple re-appeared on its second podium with the strange bite mark on it.

“We’re not sure who bit it yet” says Dr. Ralphio*, “but we’re doing teeth scans of all our researchers to make sure one of them wasn’t trying to get extra rations by teleporting the apple into their room for a minute. We’re all hungry, it’s not fair to everyone else if you get a bigger bite of the apple! There’s also talk that it may be from the future, like we teleported the apple into the kitchen of some future scientist who is also hungry, and he took a bite thinking he had an extra apple.”

One thing is certain, teleportation is now a reality, and everyone is going to be hearing about it soon. Human experimentation will begin in 2017, in hopes that by then they can figure out where the bite came from. “Can’t let our human tests get bit, that would be canabalism… I think…” Dr. Ralphio* retorts.

What do you think about teleportation? Is it safe? Do you think aliens bit the apple? Let us know in the comments below.

* Name changed for anonymity

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