Farmers Almanac Predicts Next Ice Age

Impending Doom Looks Like ThisOur Future Is Bleak

Every year we get a new set of predictions from the farmers almanac algorithm about what our upcoming year will be like. Most years it’s terribly boring, and says things like “Sunny, 25° (3° below average)”, which helps no one. But this time around, there has been a startling discovery as the farmers use their secret algorithm to determine what next years weather will be like. While there is a slight chance that it was a clerical error, the algorithm has produced a forecast of -557° as the average temperature in August. Scientists are claiming that this could mean we will be in the beginning stages of an ice age (or that someone will invent a ray gun that can control the weather and will try to kill everyone by a game of freeze-out on a global scale). We got in touch with Dr. Gerald Linton* from the guild of scientists who double checked the farmers findings, and this is what he had to say.

“I guarantee I was as shocked as anyone when they came to me and asked me to review their findings. It wasn’t my first time looking over their results, but I swear the guy who handed me these was shaking. The first few pages are just boring names and survey information and stuff. When I got to the fifth page I was only barely awake. I might not have even kept reading it if my show hadn’t ended right then. I started doing my regular checks to see what temperature it would be on important dates, like Christmas and my birthday, but for my birthday it said -675°, which I thought was kind of weird since my birthday is in June.”

Dr. Linton* continued reading, and eventually tallied up the year’s temperatures, coming up with his -557° average. When he got in touch with the League of Farmers to determine what had happened, they told him it was no mistake, though they admit that they didn’t double check it. Several of the founders of the League have already moved to underground bunkers, but we were able to get in touch with Alfred Poplar*, the director of publications for the League of Farmers.

“I would have moved into a bunker too, but I have to stay above ground to try and get the word out before it’s too late. I have a bunker being prepped for me as we speak at an undisclosed location. We have been working hard to get the word out, but everyone says it’s too soon after the last cataclysm prediction. It turns out if enough people freak out about the world ending, people stop caring. Now with the world in real peril, we can only sit back and watch as people joke about our crazy prediction and go on with their lives like nothing is going to happen. Honestly though, we are planning on possibly kidnapping a few people to bring underground with us, since we’re going to need to repopulate the earth after this whole thing blows over. By our estimates, things should be back to normal around January 1st, 2017 – it’s a very precise algorithm.”

* Name changed for anonymity

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