Russia Declares Cold War On America

Oh Snap, Fighter Jets.Oh Snap, Fighter Jets.

For the past several months, America has been helping fight a war in Syria. However, what we didn’t know is that we are also fighting a cold war, with Russia. You may remember cold wars from the recent past when we fought with Russia before. We’re not sure who gets to name these wars, but we would love to help come up with something better next time (just saying). Anyways, America and Russia have been involved fairly heavily in the Syrian civil war, but the problem is, we’re fighting on different sides.

What happens in a cold war? I’m glad you asked. First, it started mostly with childish bickering. As our governments are both made up of politicians, slander and libel followed pretty close behind. We’re not saying some of the points weren’t good, in fact, several of them were right on the mark, like America’s president saying that “Large countries don’t bully” (obviously making fun of Russian accents that sound like the bullies that would have likely picked on him in middle school) or when the Russian president claimed to the U.N. that “America is destroying the world.” (obviously talking about ‘American cheese’, which we all know is a complete sham). However there is a time an place for everything, and it turns out the world stage is neither the time nor the place.

After a while, the fighting escalated, as most childish arguments do; though it is a cold war, so it didn’t escalated THAT much. With the opposing presidents taking on more and more world responsibilities in an attempt to shame the other president. The Russian president got a head start by annexing Crimea (even before the cold war began — is he psychic?) and then the American president did everything in his power to stand next to as many world leaders as possible. It was apparent that this too would end in a stalemate as both presidents were equally good at whining and complaining that the other president wasn’t doing what he should.

With all that out of the way, they could move into a more physical conflict (not too literally though, since they needed to obey the rules of cold wars). The competing nations picked a fight being fought by two completely unrelated third-parties and started weighing in on opposite sides. There is debate over whether the Russian president actually wanted to be on the Syrian rebel’s side, but the American president got there first.

Now, as to be expected, we have reached the stage where most middle school squabbles tend to end: parental interference. With both sides now 100% committed to helping their side of the unrelated fight, we are starting to see more third-party countries beginning to step in and mitigate some of the damage, and will no-doubt begin scolding America and Russian in the near future. Like a heavy-handed parent, Turkey swooped in and destroyed a fighter jet that belonged to Russia like a poorly constructed lego set. It’s only a matter of time before other nations step up and put America and Russia in time out.

Tell us what you think about the cold war conflict in the comments below!

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