Everyone recognizes the squalid “honks” of Canadian geese. We recognize their fowl language, and their destruction of all natural things around them, and the fact that they literally poop on everything. Well, Canada has finally had enough, and is seeking legal action against the geese in an attempt to remove this blight from their polite reputation. Their first attempt to sue the geese themselves in order to get them to “please comply with all laws and standards of civility. We think you’re great, please just stop being mean” (yes, that was an exact quote) ended in failure, so Canada has decided to take a new approach: sue nature to change their name.
For years, Canadian geese have been rampaging around, slandering the name of that beautiful, polite, ice-cube country. 9 out of 10 people will immediately think of those geese before they think of our northern neighbors when they hear the word “Canadian” (note we made this statistic up completely.) It was about time Canada took on this problem for real. Carlos Francisco* is the lawyer who will be representing Canada as they take on the geese this coming spring.
“When I first got the case I was pretty scared.” Says Carlos*. “I have a pond full of geese near my house, and I can feel them giving me the stink eye every time I leave my house. I’ve also started noticing they poop more and more on my lawn, as opposed to the road or sidewalk, which I think is their way of trying to intimidate me. All the same, I’m getting paid really well by these Canadian guys. They came in with a pretty low offer, and I countered with a really high offer, and after some quick whispering and worried glances they agreed to pay whatever I wanted. Honestly, I was only kidding with that figure, but when they agreed I decided to keep that to myself.”
As Canada has fought with the geese, it has become increasingly apparent that they are pushing for more rights of their own, like dogs did near the end of 2015. In fact, a Canadian goose lawyer was actually appointed, much to the chagrin of the Canadian complainants. While no interpreter could be found for the geese, it sometimes seemed like the Canadians could understand them with the way they constantly apologized and laughed nervously, hoping not to offend the geese.
Currently, the judge is trying to determine if “honk honk” is an objection or just a personal method of censoring their own speech, in which case the level of obscenity is “quite objectionable” in his courtroom. There is however something to be said about how nicely they dress, in their custom tailored feather suits.
* Name changed for anonymity