Thanksgiving’s Real Origins Revealed

Pumpkins Have Nothing To Do With ThanksgivingOne food that was probably not at the original thanksgiving.

Everyone grows up thinking that thanksgiving is about how we came to America and almost died and then kind Native Americans brought us food, and we took that as them asking us to infect them with diseases and have all their land. However, new research is being brought to light that shows how the Native Americans were actually celebrating Thanksgiving well before we showed up, and we just kind of ruined it.

The year is 1377, and the weather has been warm and sunny for more days than normal this year. The first harvest of corn is about to come in, and several of the local Native tribes have set up a communal trading area to share the wealth of food and goods they have accumulated this year.

Chief Watonga* has been contemplating how thankful he is for his family and the crops this year. Last year was awful, as the wolves attacked regularly, and were downright mean. For a time, he had contemplated leaving the tribe and just going to live in a hut on the mountain, where he could think, and not have to worry about the needless arguing between the local tribes about who invented the orange color they use to identify explored caves. His wife convinced him to stay, as the people need him, and he has terrible allergies on the mountains most days anyway.

This year has been wildly different. An agreement was reached about the orange color, they had the largest harvest of corn in recorded history, and setup a trading colony that will breathe new life into the region. Chief Watonga* realizes that he needs to call this out, and celebrate the progress that has been made, so that future generations will understand how important it is to work together. He meets with Chief Riverwalker* and they determine that a large feast will be held that properly benefits everyone. They also decide that the trading colony will be completely closed the following day, so that people can spend time as a family. (They call this “white friday, because white is a such a pure, safe color”).

Fast forward 244 years to 1621. Thanksgiving time has come again and this time the Natives desire to share their rich history with the new colonists from across the great sea. The colonists aren’t a very intelligent people (notice they sailed all the way across the great sea, but can’t even survive a regular winter – Dummies). The Natives do everything in their power to not confuse the colonists, but a few things are definitely lost in translation. They bring food to share with the colonists and attempt to teach them about their longstanding tradition of giving thanks for all that they have received this year. The colonists don’t seem to understand, so they let it go, and continue with the feast. That evening, they say goodbye to their friends and head back to there homes, ready for a day of relaxing and sleep and leftovers.

The next morning however, they get a rude awakening. The colonists have come to their village to ask why the trading colony isn’t open. They were so excited after their feast that they have been sitting outside the trading colony since 2am! They try to convince them to go home, but to no avail. After a few more minutes of arguing, they give in and take the colonists to the trading colony. As the colonists inspect all their wares, they begin to barter and try to get better prices. The Natives are tired, and just want to go home, so they drastically reduce the cost of much of their stock, so the colonists will get whatever they want and leave already.

It is from this day forward that the Natives begin referring to the day following Thanksgiving as “black friday”, for in the black of night, the colonists insisted on purchasing all the things they would need for Christmas a month later, and wouldn’t allow the Natives to spend time with their families as had been the tradition for hundreds of years.

Gradually, the colonists began to tell everyone that they invented “Thanksgiving” and that they were glad to have been able to share it with the Natives, much to the Natives chagrin.

* Name changed for anonymity

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