A man in Tucson has been hospitalized after what authorities are calling a ‘gross misunderstanding’. It was late Friday evening, when the bar that Steve Gander* frequents had just run out of salsa. With only one bowl left, Steve* was challenged by another patron (currently not being identified) to a game of ‘Roshambo’. While this may not seem shocking to most people, the confusion started at the same time the game did.
Depending on your location, ‘Roshambo’ can be played in two separate ways. The more northern you are in the U.S., the more likely you are to associate ‘Roshambo’ with what is also known as ‘Rock-Paper-Scissors’, which involves making funny hand gestures to confuse your opponent and then achieve a physics-unrelated victory. However, the more southern you are in the U.S., the more likely you are to associate ‘Roshambo’ with a game that involves kicking each other in the genitals until one person either concedes defeat, or is crippled permanently.
Unfortunately for Steve*, he was originally from Michigan. and was therefore terribly unprepared for the violent outcome that was in store. While the other patron took his stance opposite Steve* with his legs spread evenly, Steve* began mentally calculating what kind of person he was facing. After a moment of indecision, he concluded this man was more of a ‘Rock’ player, so he prepared to throw ‘Paper’. Suddenly, the other patron said “I’ll go first.” and without warning struck forcefully up into Steve’s unprotected family jewels. Thankfully for Steve*, he blacked out almost immediately.
Steve* has said that he won’t be pressing charges, because he understands what transpired now, and harbors no ill-will towards this other patron. The community is in an uproar, saying that ‘accidents are no excuse’, and asking for the individual in question to be identified. The bar that the incident took place at has issued a ‘No Roshambo’ rule, and now provides a split bowl for the last serving of salsa.
* Name changed for anonymity